Part III. Dawn
Weeks and weeks had gone by. Not one single word from her. Not by phone, mail or in person. I lit one cigarette with another and I drank beer like water. Not that I needed the alcohol, but it was just easier to grab a can instead of making some tea.
There were times I was in the city and walked by Magna Plaza, in the beginning I went in, just to get a single glimpse of her. But those glimpses didn't do me good. They only made me feel bad, and filled me with grief. The aching question still in my mind 24/7 was; why? I wanted to know. I needed to know. And by the time I am typing this part, I have a pretty clear idea about that why.
I was so down that I realized I needed help. I searched the internet for answers on love sickness. And that's how I came to the site of a man named; Roel. There it read he was specialized in helping people who suffer from love sickness. And I wrote to him.
The next evening he called me, he wanted to see me soon because he found the story I'd send him pretty dramatic. So a first meeting was arranged the next Friday.
I felt stupid when I was driving towards his home address. Goddamned, now I'm going to a shrink, am I nuts?
I rang the door, looking to my left and right if perhaps somebody might see me. He opened the door and me shook hands. He offered me to sit down and if I wanted something to drink. Somehow he made me feel comfortable. He said we had something in common. I asked what? And he told me he had a wife from Russia called Natasha. I laughed, and somehow I felt I cam to the right person. Maybe he could tell me more about the Russian culture and way of thinking. Because besides all the bad things that had happened, I'd developed a great interest in that country, its people and the language. So we started talking. I told him the story I'd wrote to him, only now in more details. And during that he asked me some questions. One of those questions where; “what do you still feel for this woman?”
I could only answer that it was an intense feeling of missing, and wanting to be with her. The words came stuttering out of my mouth and my eyes got moist. Damn I hated that, I wanted to be strong. But I wasn't. She was still inside my heart, but I had to kick her out of there. No room in there for you Natasha.
I was dreaming and hoping that she would be in front of my door someday, crying, that she wanted me back. When I went to bed I was making up the most amazing stories we would endure. In those dreams I was her savior, and her knight in shiny armor. We where happy there, I was happy there. There had been days I stayed in bed, just to longer those thoughts.
Those fantasies still fed the war going on in my soul. When I closed my eyes I could still feel her lips touching mine. They where thick strong and soft. I could still feel her hunger for me, and the taste of her breath, I will never get over that.
Those sessions took about two hours, and lot and lots of things where discussed. In the beginning it was vague, but he was understanding and supportive. He told me I should be mad at her, but I couldn't. I just could not become mad at her. In my mind she was still the Russian princess, traveling all the way trough Siberia, just to get to me! And I would catch her the moment she fell of her horse when she stood in front of my door.
But I wasn't there to dream on, I was there to get back to reality.
I can't even remember in detail about what we all talked about. I came there a few weeks in a row, and slowly things became clear in my mind. Although I will never be sure about it. But it is the closest I'll ever get. I contacted her ex-boyfriend. To my surprise he was relaxed and open to me. He told me to remember the good times and forget about her. And I should praise the Lord that I haven't been trough the shit he was in. “she is a sweet and loving woman, that's true” he said, “despite that I have the feeling that she not able too or not willing too become a good person” he said. He also told me that he always had the thought that Natasha knew he was on to her. And I think that there is the key which explains all.
During those weeks I also made a fake account on the dating site, maybe then I could figure out some more. At first I didn't expect it to work but the bait was good and tasty. So after a long time my alter ego made contact to the Russian princess. It started of with chit chat and slowly I started asking questions about her, who she was what she thought and what she wanted. She talked about her ex, the one before me. I asked her if she met other nice man or maybe a boyfriend during those last nine months. None she said. My real friends are in Russia. “You never met a nice guy here in Holland, never fell in love again here in Holland?” I asked. “No” she said. I was shocked I didn't even exist anymore, she had just erased me. Goddamned, Soeka
I cursed her. Didn't it mean anything for her? After a while I became to eager for answers and she figured out who she was talking too. “ok stop Popov clown” she said. Damn, busted. The conversation ended, and I'd found out that she had erased me out of her life.
Why? And why did she lie about things. Like telling me that her ex was a cardiologist, he isn't. what that's suppose to mean? Keeping up appearances?
Yes, it is keeping up appearances, in my hunger for knowing and my growing interest I discovered slowly more and more about that country and its people.
She told me it is a stupid country and that she would never go back living there again. But it still is Mother-Russia, that's one thing. And those people have suffered big catastrophes during history. Stalin, the end of the Soviet-Union, and now the poor economy and the disrespect from the western countries. All those things combined had caused a nation wide low self esteem. And that's unbearable for a country and its inhabitants. Russian people are strong, “that's why we won the war” I still hear her say. “we took vodka, and just go!” that's the spirit, that's the Russian mentality. Rather dying than crying!
And yes she had some of that inside her. The word defeat and failure can't be found in Russian dictionaries. Now I also understand her saying “that's why we won the war” better. She said that sometimes when it came to subjects as failure or quitting or taking the easy way.
Only the victories are known to people, the facts as corruption, the losses etcetera are simply denied.
Roel said that I should write her one final letter to her. Some sort of goodbye or revenche letter. To get rid of the last piece of hope and feelings for her. And in there I should write all the things that don't match. To show her that I know about her lies, and that I am not one of those naive west European men, and that I deserve better.
So I did. And according to Roel it wasn't even necessary to give it to her. But that was one thing I needed to do, I must give her that letter.
Hand it over in person, if I would do that, then I would win. And hopefully the battle in my mind would be over. It took some time to write it. It should be fair, and not some crazy in anger written letter full with swear words. Just the truth, honest and sincere.
Kak Djela ?7 Ja Khorosho!8
I hope you read this letter I wrote to you. Maybe you will learn something out of it, and hopefully you will try to become a better person. Because somehow I Don't think you are.
It's been a long time since we spoke to eachother. Somehow it looks like yesterday.
I've had plenty of time to think things over. And trying to get over you. You did break my heart sweety, big time! Do you remember when we said to eachother to be careful with our hearts we had stolen from eachother? I trusted you completely!!
Like I just said I've had plenty of time to think things over and I've come to the following conclusion; “you're no good for me, I deserve better!”
What made me conclude this? Well some of the following points helped me with that;
- If you really fell in love with me, you would not break up like that. You would at least talked to me about it.
- Why did your ex, or you break up after a lot of trouble and paperwork to get you to Holland? It's a lot of work and trouble you have to do for that. It just doesn't match!
- I think you're corrupt, not in a financial way, but certainly in “love.“
- You told me a several times that your life there wasn't that bad, you had a Lexus and a nice apartment, but salary here was better; that must have warned me immediately!!! Is that the only reason you came here? Why did your last relation stopped in the beginning of living here? Culture difference you told me, did it took you more than a year to figure that out?? BULLSHIT!!!
- I have contacted your ex, and I hear a different story. Why did you lie about the fact that he is a cardiologist? He's NOT!!! That's something I really don't understand. It's just pathetic!
I still don't know what your intentions are or were, and I don't think I will ever get an answer on that. The big question; “why?” will never be solved, but I stopped worrying about that, because it isn't worth it!
Besides all this, I will never forget the good times.
Do svidanya ! 9
By the way, something funny happened. I've met another woman, Katya, and guess what? She's from Russia as well, (what a coincidence) and yes also high educated and smart, maybe you'll meet her someday in the hospital.
She lives for a several years in Holland already, and also had a hard time in the beginning but she overcame her problems. (strong woman?) She is a real loving and caring woman, who will not break up because of some “problems.” She trusts me and is willing to share good and worse times. Because she knows we are here for eachother. Just saying this; that choosing “the easy way” can sometimes give you great benefits in life. And makes life only worth more living.!
The post scriptum part is fake of course why did I wrote it? Well I think in my subconscious anger I just wanted to kick her ass.
Now I had to give it to her. And that was harder as I thought it would be. It was on a Friday morning and I wanted to do it as early as possible because then I had the biggest change that there would be no costumers in the shop.
I was nervous as I walked down the street. Will I be able to control my emotions?
The two towers of Magna Plaza rose up at the end of the street and my heart was pounding, slowly, but firm. As I stood on the escalator I felt my arms and legs literally tinkling, like they where deprived from blood.
Second floor; I walked towards the shop and at the moment our eyes met I had passed the point of no return.
I walked in, she smiled “hi,” and yes she still looked stunning, her perfect body fitted exactly in her slim fitting clothes, and high heeled leather boots as a finishing touch. The devil wears Prada.
She was busy with a costumer, so I waited just in front of the shop upon the gallery. This was good, now I had some time to relax myself a little. After a few minits the costumer was gone and I went in.
And what happened those next few minits, was so strange, so weird, I felt I was in some sort of surrealistic setting of Escher.
A small talk began, like nothing ever had happened. She asked me about my study and how I've been. And I asked her the same. She told me that she had stopped with her Dutch courses for a while because she had to solve some other problems first. And of course the whole Australia-plan never got any further then talking about it to me.
She had arranged a partnership visa with “a” friend she said. And you did not want to be dependent of people Natasha? Well now again you are. “it will cost me another 10.000 euros” she said “but I have to” Another ten-thousand euros? Or this is just another silly lie or that so called “friend” is using you in some way. A partnership visa costs around 450 euro, so cut the crap. Why don't you start a study for that amount of money? Then you have a visa and education. Again it all doesn't make sense at all.
I grabbed the envelope with the letter and laid it on the counter. “whats thees?” she asked. “well” I said, “it's for you, and also for myself, in this way I hope to close the book called; Natasha” And I told her hat I had a pretty rough time, she nodded that she understood. After a short explanation I gave her the letter.
“Do svidanya, Natasha, make something out of your life, take care” where my final words.
I turned around and walked out of the shop, down the escalators, into the city, without looking behind.
I turned around and walked out of the shop, down the escalators, into the city, without looking behind.
I was outside, I made it, it felt like a big relief. Would it be over now? Well, we will see.
Slowly I was sobering up more and more, and more strange things came clear to me, and made me know that this was the right way. And that she is not the right woman for me. For example her apartment; it was almost empty, the only personal things there where her clothes, two dictionaries, a Dutch language study book and her laptop. That was it. Where are her medicine books? As a doctor you want them with you right? Besides that in the near future she would need them again.
I also don't believe anymore that she is a gynaecologist, maybe she didn't even graduate for her medicine either. Because if she really is, then she would have spoken the Dutch language already and she would have started in university right away to get her diplomas confirmed. Because it isn't that difficult here, especially when you are a doctor. Okay it doesn't just comes falling out of the sky, that's right, you have to work for it. But you make the problems yourself Natasha!
How long do you think you can keep up living on dreams? Be honest to your friends, your lover and above all yourself.
At this moment of writing, its almost April, I don't have any feeling of anger or hate against her. What I do think is; what a waste. What a waste of life, of such a beautiful and intelligent woman. I do believe that she has much more inside her. And I truly hope that she will use her capabilities and that she will be happy.
But who am I? What made it possible that this went so deep, so quick, and so wrong?
Until now I had laid the problem outside myself, and I was convinced that it was she who was wrong. She did break my heart, and she wasn't fair about things, but again, who am I?
Why did I fall in love, head over heels, to an insecure woman? In the first part of this script I mentioned that I'd risen up from something, but I didn't know what. Now I know. I realize exactly what that meant. And I really hate to admit that. Because it gives me a feeling of weakness. But it is the truth and its something I am struggling with for some years already. And that makes me an insecure person. It has all to do with my education, for the past few years I am fighting, really fighting against just a few exams. And sometimes it seems that the harder I work for them the lower my grade will be.
And yes I am very insecure about that! When I am making an exam, then my back is literally wet of sweat. When I overlook them after I made them, then it amazes me every time that I wrote down stupid answers, or just nothing, because at that very moment it just doesn't comes out of my mind.
To the outside world I am down to earth, and secure, but I am not.
It is not only that why I was so crazy about this woman, if I was a dentist already, then I would have fallen in love as well, I am sure about that. But I would not have been so heartbroken as I was. She is an insecure woman, I am an insecure man, and that makes me the knight in shiny armour. That's how is was in my fantasies, that's how it was in my dreams, that's how is was in real fucking life!
Nothing wrong with an insecure person, not at all, it still could have been beautiful, I am also convinced about that.
You know what the funny part all of this is? How simple it is? The final conclusion is so simple, I just did not want to believe it at first.
The feeling of love is universal, this feeling, the strongest of all is the same in all countries, world wide.
And of course she did like me, otherwise it didn't come that far, but she just did not fell as deep in love as I did.
That's it, and that's how it works. And I still don't blame her for what she did, because I did break some hearts too. And I hate that, and so does she. I believe that if she could turn back time, she would. . . .
But then I would have never written this story, and I would never have learned.
Poka . . . . . . .10
Explanation to the Russian words: first you read the transliteration, and next to it the translation
- Spokojnoj Nochi ljoebimjetse; good night Darling,
- Manjiska, Sweety
- Sibio; Agengy that provides services for foreign medical doctors.
- IND; Immigration and Naturalisation (Dienst) service.
- Soeka; Bitch
- Prostitoetka; Whore.
- Kak Djela?; How are you?
- Ja Khorosho; I am fine.
- Do svidanya; goodbye
- Poka; see you again, so long, bye, goodbye! farewell.